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©02 The Media Desk
For the USS RAVEN (IFT) Newsletter
The Desk got to spend some quality time with some seriously confused people recently.
And NONE of them had anything to do with the RAVEN. Believe it or not.
Here's a look at a couple of them.
One of them is striving to be a Vegan. A total Vegetarian. They don't even want to think about the fact that the Desk likes its steaks rare or actually has a recipe for freshwater eel it is thinking about trying.
They do this to remain healthy and to have a long productive life. And they just got back from a vacation to South Carolina where, you guessed it, they spent quite a bit of time lying on the beach.
Another person the Desk knows is at war with cigarettes. If they see a person across the street smoking they will cough loudly in their direction, even if the wind is blowing toward the smoker.
Where do they eat lunch? At that 'you want fries with that?' place.
Yet another is all into auto safety. They just bought a ride with side curtain airbags which dials the paramedics on its own when they deploy. They put their seatbelts on before they even get in the car... well, almost.
Yet they, ok, it's a she, wears those platform shoes with eight inch heels. She's already fallen off them once that the Desk knows of and got hurt.
The Desk knows people who won't read the Supermarket Tabloids because they are 'trash', yet they watch reality TV and the talk shows and professional wrestling.
And then there is the preacher who beats the pulpit to splinters during sermons on the evils of rock, rap, disco, and club dance mix techo-bop chainsaw-of-the-gods metal music and its lax morals and questionable message when compared to the clearly superior ethics of country. Yet when the Desk pointed out country songs like Whisky River take my soul and She can put her shoes under my bed (anytime) and almost anything by David Allen Coe, including that classic written by Steve Goodman...
You never even call me by my name...All the preacher did was stutter and call them aberrations, the Desk sees them as the norm for the genre.
(the Perfect Country Song)
It was all that I could do to keep from cryin'
Sometimes it seems so useless to remain
You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'
You never even call me by my name.
spoken Well, a friend of mine named Steve Goodman wrote that song and he told me it was the perfect country and western song. I wrote him back a letter and told him it was NOT the perfect country and western song because he hadn't said anything about Momma, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or gettin' drunk. Well, he sat down and wrote another verse to the song and he sent it to me and after reading it, I realized that my friend had written the perfect country and western song. And I felt obliged to include it on this album. The last verse goes like this here:
Well, I was drunk the day my Mom got outta prison.
And I went to pick her up in the rain.
But, before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train.
chorus So I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain. No,
You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'
You never even call me, I wonder why you don't call me
Why don't you ever call me by my name?
David Allen Coe / Steve Goodman
Album: the Perfect Country Song 1996, King Records
Others won't ever take a drink, yet they smoke, or vise-versa. One guy the Desk used to know thought it was safer to smoke pot than cigarettes.
Some are fastidious about washing their hands before they eat and reject a spoon if it has a water spot on it. Yet they will buy a can of sodapop out of a machine and drink from it without even looking at the top of the can.
Let's stop right there for a minute. Have you ever taken a white paper towel and run it around the inside of the rim on the top of one of those cans?
If you did, you may never buy anything from a vending machine again.
The Desk is all for having personal hang-ups and taboos and obsessions and ... well, whatever you are into. Or not into. Or... well... this is a 'G- rated' article so we'll end it right there.
But when you go to extremes like carrying around a trial size can of germ spray and hose down the Desk's day job desk phone with it before you use it, that may be going too far.
Especially later when the Desk catches you chewing on the very pen you stole while on that phone, without spraying it down we might add. And then when the Desk points out that while you were talking into that phone you were breathing, gasp (pun intended), CHEMICALS, don't have some sort of spazoid fit. It's not nice.
That's the rub. If you are going to be for saving the three-toed toad, you should be out picketing because people can make their living killing cockroaches.
If you are going to be a poster child for auto safety, maybe you should learn to drive. Remember the friend with the airbags? They have been seen pulling out into high-speed traffic while riding their brakes. Gotta love it. Maybe they know they can't drive and need all that stuff.
Please. Just Be Consistent.
If you avoid BBQ'ed pork rinds for your health, don't smoke. And if you are out trying to evangelize the world for Bean Sprouts for Life Inc., don't do so while so tanned you look like you escaped from Baywatch.
While spreading the word of the evils of a microwave oven, don't do so over your cel phone. And visa versa. ... You know what the Desk means.
And if you want to be the greatest proponent the environment has ever seen, go for it. But the Desk has a question. If the Space Shuttle causes hurricanes. Explain why several of the most devastating storms in US history occurred before anybody could spell NASA?
OK, it's cool that you drive a hybrid car that is saving half the Ozone for every mile you drive. Don't tell me you turn on your lights powered by a nuclear power plant when you get home. Or worse yet, coal fired.
And please don't tell the Desk it shouldn't be smoking old cigars while eating microwaved pork rinds and washing them down with beer from an unwiped can while driving something without airbags that isn't from NASA but does catch fire once in awhile with Mr. Coe on the radio. It knows that every bit of that will kill you before you get old. But at least it is Consistent in it.
Besides. You're too late. The Desk has a condition that is terminal one hundred percent of the time. It is always fatal and there is no cure.
It's called- LIFE.
[NOTE: The MEDIA DESK and the USS RAVEN (IFT) is NOT affiliated in any known way with any of the groups or entities mentioned. No Defamation of any group is intended.
The Editor of the RAVEN's Newsletter REJECTED this article so that organization is in no way responsible for it anyway. And the Desk does NOT drive while (or after) drinking. Thank you.]
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