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The Desk has had to take these things before. For work, for jury duty, for no good reason. Sometimes they are almost funny with their oddly worded questions or things you'd never even heard of before. Others have questions that make you wonder just what sort of serious personality disorder the people that wrote the questions suffered from.
Have you ever thought about hijacking the monorail at an amusement park when your mother was on board?
Some of them were official questionnaires put together by heavy academic types looking to weed out the next Unibomber from a list of applicants for a job at a fast food joint. Others were written by a half-baked feminist ideologue for some magazine or social engineering website.
If you hate all women who are better looking than your mother, what could you do to correct this problem?
And the Desk takes them all.
And now the Desk has taken another one. And according to this latest evaluation of what passes for the Desk's personality, it is some sort of logical basket case with few emotions that is resistant to change but would love to sign up for Deep Space duty with the University of Illinois' Pom Pon Squad.... ... Or something like that.
You have just won the lottery. Would you: a) send it to feed starving dire wolves overseas; b) give it to the government to help pay down the debt; c) buy your loving mother a BMW; d) donate it to the church and spend the next three years praying for redemption from the evils of gambling.
Sometimes the results are a pretty good indicator of the subject's personality.
Once the Desk took a career evaluation that said it was best suited to be a Concrete Sculptor. A stress screening at one of its jobs caused more stress than the job ever did. Another one was to see how Aware of Diversity everybody was. It turned out that Concrete Sculptors with high stress levels don't really worry about diversity.
You meet an attractive member of the opposite sex at work. They enjoy harmless flirting. Do you: a) neither encourage nor discourage them; b) immediately file a massive Federal Sexual Harassment lawsuit against everybody in the building; c) enjoy it without making a big deal out of it; d) invite them out to lunch... as lunch.
The main thing is with these tests is that no one indicator is going to pick out anything other than strong central traits. But repeated testing, over time, coming from a variety of angles can get pretty close to defining who you are and how you see and react to the world.
So if the Star Trek personality test didn't pin you down as the next Captain Piccard or something. Don't sweat it. If the women's magazine lover test says you are about as exciting as lukewarm macaroni and cheese, take a deep breath and wait, next month's survey will rate you with the dash and charm of Zoro, or the sex appeal of Catwoman.
Your boss/spouse/friend/loving mother gives you yet another personality test. You: a) feed it to them; b) take it even though you think it's a waste of time; c) become offended and defensive and accuse them of being Stalin reincarnated; d) wonder if something is wrong with you and this might confirm it.
So if you are all breathlessly awaiting the next Test to End All Tests.
Here it is......
The Final Quiz.
Our Test Tells All About Everybody.
Answer three questions and we'll evaluate your personality with perfect accuracy...
1. Are you gullible enough to believe that any test can truly map something so complex and changeable as the human personality?
2. If so... Are you just warped enough to give it a try?
3. Then send $19.99 to The Media Desk to complete the Test of Tests. Email the Desk for the surface mail address. drleftover(a)themediadesk.com