Stupid ads 2005 Edition

©05 The Media Desk
http://themediadesk.com

The Desk is a fully qualified sociological observer. Do NOT try this at home. When the commercials come on- change the channel. thank you

     Once again, for what- the ninth year running if not more, the only safe people advertisers can poke fun at, call idiots, turn into buffoons or paint as hopelessly stupid are men. Usually white men at that (because black men are well known to be more noble and wiser about these things and to say anything else is racist, just ask Donovan McNabb). Women, minorities, children and even animals are ALL smarter, more talented and in all categories superior than all men in every circumstance. Except for male children that is, once they hit puberty they de-evolve into men.
     From the commercials, it is a wonder we as a species have survived at all since half of our population are drooling nincompoops with no common sense or self control.
     OK, there are commercials where women, kids, dogs, aliens, blacks, whales, penguins, cats and even the French are portrayed as absolute fated losers. But usually it's men.
     For supporting evidence we shall trot out the following.

     Was Arby's as a corporate entity aware of the Freudian significance of the 'hat' symbol appearing over the head of the construction workers in the ad when the man appeared carrying the drink?
     Before this spot, the commercials were simply stupid, like the talking tooth wanting 'ranch'. Now they are suggesting rather blatantly that Arby's is "Gay food". Oh please, bring back the oven mitt.
     Talk about ads backfiring... that is one for the record books.

     Volkswagen's commercial with the soundtrack song of 'thank you very much' from A Christmas Carol is another one. Is their ad agency and the VW bosses that approve the spot so out of touch with things that they didn't realize that the singers in the original are THANKING Mr. Scrooge for Dying thusly letting them out of their outstanding debts?
     That's a winner for sure.

     Two of the best (or worst) of the 'All Men Are Morons' category come from vastly different companies. Home Depot's Smart Wife / plunger guy commercial is one that will reign in infamy. Of course what they are selling is that it is unusual for a woman to fix things around the house. Well, it might be to the home center's ad agency who think that the people in 'flyover country' will find it amusing and then rush off to the lumber yard, but really its not.
     Another one is the Smart Wife whose husband does the robot dance while she installs Vonage for their home phone service. It may be a requirement on the installation instructions but most of us will never know. Until they fix the 911 issue for good and for keeps without forcing users to install third party software, and then explain what you do when the lights go out and you need to report it, you're better off with at least one dial tone copper land line into your house. Period. See the article about Voice over Internet Protocol or VoIP (which this is although they don't tell you that).
Address of Article- http://themediadesk.com/newfiles3/voip.htm

     Whether or not the Comcast digital cable 'birthing room' commercial is just about how stupid men are, or how obsessed with food they are depends on your take on things. And this is one of the few that feature a solo black man as well. Suffice it to say, it is offensive no matter who the actor was.
     Kinda like the Ready Whip commercial where the guys refuse to eat the pie or drink the hot chocolate until the woman squirts the canned whipped cream on it. Never mind that in the pie version the can has been sitting on the counter in the diner for who knows how long when the stuff absolutely requires refrigeration to keep it from separating. It's an idiotic commercial, and that's all it is.

     Even the outboard motor company Evinrude scored big in the Offensively Stupid commercial category men's division with their 'fast' commercial with the fat white guy in a pink g-string. If you haven't seen that one, consider yourself lucky. It's enough to make anybody with an Evinrude outboard take it back to the marina and demand a trade in.

     Face it.
     One outboard is probably just as good as another.
           A Chevy will get you to work just as good as a Lexus.
                 If your watch tells time, who cares what it looks like beyond that?
                     White bread is white bread. Period.

     Burger Wars.
     It has been raging for a dozen years. And the only losers are our taste buds... and maybe waistlines.
     Fast food hamburgers taste like salty grease with brown lettuce, green tomatoes, and runny fake cheese no matter which cartoon character or clown cooks it. If the King of the 'You want fries with that?' place went to an all night drive up, he'd ask for directions to the nearest 24 hour truck stop instead of ordering anything on any of their menus.
     Speaking of which. The Wendy's 'rock your taste' amplifier commercial clearly shows a hamburger sandwich with at least five patties, a three inch stack of RED tomatoes, a pile of real lettuce, and so on. Just TRY to order that burger from your local restaurant. The manager, who is usually about twenty two years old, will tell you with a very self important look on their face that it is 'just a commercial'. Evidently Wendy's never uses the term 'false advertising' in the management training classes.

     One of the other classes of absolutely ridiculous commercials is Customer Service.
     Go to ANY retail store and Just Try to find a store employee to assist you with anything.
     Maybe they are all out filming commercials about how great their customer service is.
     Like grocery stores. They'll have fifteen checkout lanes up front, with two of them in service. Go to Kmart or Target, no less than a dozen registers at any of them, how many have some teenybopper smacking and cracking her gum while ringing up customers?
     Wal Mart used to have signs hanging up front that said if they saw three or more customers in line they'd open another register. Let's hope that when they took them down, along with the ones touting their 'American Made' merchandise, they at least recycled them.
     How many times have you walked all the way around a department store like Sears or Penny's looking for an open register that wasn't swamped with people?
     At a mall bookstore chain you used to have to ring the bell five or six times before the troll would come out of the back room to take your money. Now they've simply done away with the bell.

TANGENT
     The only place customer service still seems to be something of a working art is in liquor stores. Seems there is always somebody at least at the front counter willing to take your money. Just don't ask them which wine goes better with strongly seasoned wild game. They won't have a clue beyond the wine commercials that sell the bottle or the label instead of the wine inside. Mainly because all the new ones taste the same anyway.

[NOTE: the old red / white wine adage still holds true if you're talking about game meat. For birds like Quail and Pheasant you can go with a lighter wine maybe with maybe a fruitier taste. For red meat birds like Goose and Duck go with a light red. For Venison and other big game try a fuller bodied red. If you are going with something like blackened game steaks with a lot of spice, pick what you like and go for it. You won't be tasting a lot of the wine anyway.]

     In any case, we were talking about Commercials. So we'll go back to it.

     Ford still seems stuck in a rut, pun intended, with their 'Our Trucks will make you tough' campaign.
     The Desk has now seen guys out in public that evidently believe that bull. They get out of their overpriced piece of junk and strut in like they're John Wayne, Rocky Marciano and General Patton rolled into one. Sorry, what you drive may prove you're an idiot, but nothing else.
     For the record: Nothing you Drive is going to make You tough.
     Get over it.

     Miller Brewing is still having an identity crisis. They are trying to foist onto an unsuspecting public that one mass produced light beer tastes any different than any other mass produced light beer. Given that they are now owned by a group from a country that is itself having an identity crisis, it is understandable. Beer is the same as fast food hamburgers, the only difference is price, buy what's on sale and get over it.

     At least the airlines have gotten past where they tried to sell themselves as anything but a fancy way to get from here to there.
     It STILL takes two hours to get through security. You STILL have to undress for a minimum wage sex offender in front of other total strangers. Some other loser is going to steal anything worthwhile out of your carry on. You'll never see your checked baggage again, especially if you go through Denver. There will be at least half an hour delay getting off the ground. There is no food on the plane and they want to charge you two dollars for a can of soda. When you get to wherever you are going there is another hour delay at baggage claim. THEN you've got to try to find a ride into town because the cabs are on strike. But at least the restroom smells like those pit toilets at the summer camp you went to as a kid.
     Unless you're flying from Miami to Chicago, anything less ain't worth it.
      Drive.

     And then there are commercials where you're not exactly sure what they are selling. Like the airport guy who steals a snow plow to get to his one true love so he can give her a fancy trinket. They want us to believe he could get to wherever she was in a snowplow when the airport was closed in one night. Oh yeah.
     Or some of the high-falutin perfumes for men and women. At least Tag comes out and says they are selling sex. Most of the rest of them aren't that brazen, but that's what it comes down to. The majority of people don't need that much cover scent, bathe once in awhile, you'll be fine. Even if you're French.

     Sometimes the commercials are better than the programs they are in.
     Like the infomercials selling the Dean Martin TV show. Or the Seventies music collection. Or even Hee Haw. Who needs to buy the DVDs? Just watch the commercials.

     And the ads for TV shows. Sheesh. We really DON'T want or need to watch the stinking shows based on the commercials. We know the shows are really stupid, and if we watch enough of them we'll become just as stupid, and if we listen to the 'jokes' and the canned laughter, we'll begin to believe that that crap is funny and not have any idea what real comedy is.
     How many of those really hyped shows make it to their second year?
     How many of them finish out their FIRST year?
     How many of them have even celebrated their Fourth Episode?
     Remember 'Head Cases'? No? Neither does anybody else, and there is a very good reason. What was 'Life on a Stick'? Was there a point to 'American Dreams'? Evidently not.
     But they were probably all billed as the next 'Simpsons' or something and their stars were all over the talk shows telling everybody how original and entertaining it is. Even while the clips looked like an 'All in the Family' rerun only not quite as good.
     Oh, by the way. 'The Simpsons' began in 1989 and they are still going strong 17 full seasons later.
     'All in the Family' ran from 1971 to 79, but had so many spin-offs (Maude, Jeffersons, Archie's Place, Good Times, etc) you can have a good debate about whether or not any shows still running today are its step-great-grandchildren.

     Some commercials become hits in their own right. 'The Taster's Choice couple.'
     Some become legends. "Where's the beef?"
     Some become cultural icons that we can identify for years afterward. "Plop plop fizz fizz." "You are now free to roam around the country." "Reach out and touch someone."

     And then there are those that are destined to be forgotten.
     It would seem that most of the ones broadcast in 2005 are the latter.

Oh well

[NOTE: The Desk is NOT affiliated with any of the outfits named above. It does not knowingly own stock in any of them, or in their rivals. All names are registered trademarks held by their owners who reserve all rights to it. Identifying marks and statements are for reference only. If the company involved objects to being listed in this type of an article, maybe they should quit making totally asinine commercials. Thank you Webmaster ]